DISCIPLINE: THE MODERN PARENT'S EDITION

Gentle parenting is becoming mainstream. I attribute this to most millennials’ favourite social platform, Instagram, for all the scripts, strategies and funny Reels shared by parenting experts from across the world, especially over the last five years. This is worth celebrating as our children now get to grow up knowing that they have a voice, that their feelings are valid, and that they make sense. Holding space for big feelings is becoming the new normal and hearing things like: ‘It’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok to hit.’ is almost a guaranteed sentence you’ll hear from at least one parent at your local park. I’m genuinely grateful for this shift – especially as I came out of a childhood of controlling parenting strategies, and I know the damage this did to my relationship with my mum and my relationship with myself.

That said, I’m observing a new phenomenon: a belief amongst many parents in the gentle parenting space, that respectful parenting is only about allowing all the feelings. It’s only about showing empathy, naming emotions and letting our children know that their feelings are valid and safe with us. It’s a never-ending holding space for their emotions, while we simply ride the storm and wait for the feelings to pass. But if empathy is where it ends, you’re missing a crucial step: discipline.

Just reading the word ‘discipline’ makes many modern parents feel squirmish, but I think this is because this word is so often misunderstood. The word ‘discipline’ comes from the root word ‘disciple’, which means to teach. It is absolutely our role to teach our children what is expected of them and the impact of their behaviour on others. In fact, not taking an active part in teaching our children right from wrong is an abdication of our role as their parents and massively unfair to them in the long run.

So, what is a respectful parent to do then?

Short answer: Effective parenting requires both. This means taking a breath, allowing all the feels, letting the storm pass, connecting, being present and making sure they know that there is nothing they could ever do or say that would make you stop loving them. And then in a calm moment, preferably on the same day but removed from the situation, comes the teaching.

Why teach after?

Our brains are not wired to take in new information or to learn new things when our bodies are in a state of fight-or-flight. If you try to teach in the moment of big feelings, not a lot of it sticks. If you were able to wait for your children’s brains to be back ‘online’ however, they’re able to hear what you’re saying and you’ll have the best chance of getting through to them.

What could this look like?

In our home, I find the time after their bath as we’re winding down for bedtime the best time for this. Often, if I can see that my child is receptive, I also use our time over dinner to have this conversation.

Teaching: set clear expectations on what you’d like them to do differently in future:

This might sound like:

‘Earlier today you got very upset when I said that you couldn’t have a treat. Do you remember that? (Yes) Do you remember what you said? (No) You said that this was the worst day ever and that you hated me. (Nods head) I wanted you to know that when you said you hated me, I felt very sad. It’s not a kind thing to say to anyone, and I don’t want you to say that to me again. Do you understand? (yes) In this family, we speak to one another kindly. And we also speak to others kindly. ‘Hate’ is a very strong word and not something I want you to use lightly. It has the potential to do a lot of damage to a relationship. (Pause) Do you have any ideas of things you could do that might help me feel better? (No) Would you like some ideas? (Ok) One thing you could do is to say you’re sorry. This helps me to know that you understand how your words impacted me. (Pause, wait to see if they are ready to apologise) Another thing that could help me feel better would be a big hug. What do you think? What would you like to do? '

*You can’t force your child to apologise! You can only teach and trust that when done consistently, it will sink in. Don’t get stuck on hearing them say the words ‘I’m sorry.’ Rather be open to what they feel comfortable doing, and know that your job is to teach, not to enforce. Again, enough repetition will take away the power of an apology and normalise this response in the future – and most especially if they also sometimes hear you apologising when you say or do something that hurts them.

Perspective: ‘Just because you feel it, doesn’t make it true.’

Here I think it’s helpful for us to remind ourselves where our feelings come from. Very simplified, our thoughts determine our beliefs and our beliefs determine our feelings and behaviour. If you follow that thread, you’ll notice it all starts with our thoughts. We don’t ever want to give the message to our children that their feelings aren’t valid, but we absolutely can help clarify or bring correction to their thoughts, which if done consistently will eventually result in them physically experiencing a different feeling in their bodies. Our thoughts have incredible power, and we have incredible power over our thoughts. This is why two people may be experiencing the same thing, but perceive it and act very differently.

This might sound like:

Earlier today you got very upset when Sophie yelled at you. (Yeah, I don’t like Sophie, she’s annoying) Mmmm, I hear you say that you don’t like Sophie right now, and I get it. It’s hard when a friend yells at you and then doesn’t want to play with you anymore. (Yes, I don’t like Sophie). Do you remember what happened before she yelled at you? (no) Would you like me to remind you? (sure) You grabbed her special doll and held it above your head taunting ‘nah nah nah nah nah!!’ (pause) She really didn’t like that, did she? (No) I want to remind you that, in this house, we are kind to everyone. Kindness looks like not grabbing someone else’s toy and then teasing them about that. Someone taking a special toy can be very frustrating, and it makes sense to me that Sophie yelled at you and that she didn’t want to play with you after that. Can you see that too? (pause) We are going back to Sophie’s house tomorrow. What do you think you could do to fix this? (I don’t know) Would you like some help with coming up with ideas on what you could do or say? (Ok) I think Sophie would like it if you apologised to her. Saying sorry helps her to know that you understand that what you did was not kind and that you wouldn’t do that again. (Pause) Mmmmm, what else? How about…What’s her favourite snack that she always asks for at our house? (Cupcakes!) That’s right! Do you think we could bake her some cupcakes together to help her feel better?

*Again, don’t have any expectations here. Trust that your teaching is enough and that it has sunk in.

(Cupcakes) Great my love, before we get baking, I do want to point out that friendships are tricky sometimes. And if we want other people to play with us and if we want them to want to spend time with us, we have to be kind. People don’t like hanging around others who tease them, take their toys, or aren’t really that fun to be around. Do you understand my angel? (nods) I love you so much. You’re still learning what it looks like to be kind, and I know you’re going to figure this out!

Resilience: you can do hard things:

In my opinion, this is one of the greatest skills we can teach our children to help them thrive as adults.

This could sound like this:

Earlier today, you were upset about not having any more Magna-tiles to complete your superhero village. (Yes) You felt so frustrated, that you broke apart all the pieces, leaving them scattered all over the playroom floor. I get that you were disappointed. I don’t like it when I’m about to finish a recipe in the kitchen, and then I realise I’m missing a crucial ingredient. It makes me want to cry, and sometimes it makes me feel like throwing all the items in the bin and ordering pizza! [*It’s ok to have a bit of fun with this] But you know what? (No) I don’t do that because I know that I can figure out a plan. I know that I can do hard things. And you know what? (No) I believe that about you too. You can absolutely do hard things, my love. (I can’t!!!) I hear you saying that you can’t, and I wonder if I can remind you of what you did at the theme park last weekend…(What?) Can you remember the new ride you tried? (Yes, the rollercoaster) Exactly. I remember that you felt a bit scared, and also a little annoyed because we had to stand in such a long line, but you pushed through, and then when we got off you said it was the coolest ride ever! (Yes, [goes on a tangent about going on the rollercoaster:)]) Or how about the first time you rode your bike? (Yes, I just grabbed it out of the car and started riding it!) Exactly! Daddy and I were so surprised! We thought that we would need to take you to a special area where you could learn to ride your bike safely and that we would have to balance you and hold you upright until you got the hang of it, but you didn’t need any of that! (Yes, I remember) I wanted to remind you, that you can do hard things my love, and that everything in life is figureoutable. [cheers, Marie Forleo!]

So just getting back to what happened to the Magna-tiles, what do you think you could have done differently? (Don’t throw toys…) Yes, that’s right. It’s okay to get upset, it’s not okay to throw your toys. What else could you have done? (I don’t know.) Would you like some ideas? (Sure) You could have asked your brother for a couple of his square pieces and traded him some triangle ones. (He never shares.) He’s still learning to share, but often, when you say please he does say yes. Something else you could have done would have been to use some of your wooden blocks to complete the structure. (That’s lame. It wouldn’t have worked) Ok. Another option would have been to change your design and make your creation a bit smaller…and finally, when you feel like you’re in a tough spot, you can always call me.

The playroom is still a mess. I’m available now to help you tidy it up. I do need to start with dinner soon, so if we don’t finish that in the next five minutes, you’ll need to do it all by yourself. What do you reckon? Shall we tidy it up together now? (Fine) I love you my boy, and I love being your mummy. Let’s go!

My encouragement to you: embrace discipline. You are your child’s ultimate life coach, and you literally get to shape their brains and help them determine what they believe about life, and themselves.

The hard truth, however: this happens whether you intentionally take control of this aspect or not. How you deal with the everyday discipline moments, becomes their inner voice: the way they look at situations, and ultimately the way they decide to make their day-to-day decisions. What a big responsibility, and, what an awesome privilege!

All my best,