unleash imagination: the power of independent play

- plus my ten best tips to get you started -

our story

I remember daydreaming away many hours at work while pregnant with my first child thinking about all of the things we were going to do together. Every morning on my way to work I would see some mums in my community walking their babies in a stroller with a Starbucks coffee in hand, no make-up, mum-bun in place, just enjoying the fresh air. This became the thing I looked forward to most. With most of my friends already in the baby-phase of their lives, many other aspirations started to blossom in this ideal mum-world I was dreaming up in my head. At the top of this list were baby activities like baby massaging, baby sign language, baby singing classes, baby sensory classes, and of course lots of ‘play dates’ with all of said-friends’ babies.

With our son needing a life-saving operation within 24 hours of being born, two weeks in NICU, and me recovering from an unexpected C-section, my entry into motherhood threw me completely off balance. The intense sadness and emptiness when I had to leave my newborn baby in the hospital felt overwhelming. My faith, our incredible community, and the angels disguised as nurses in the hospital helped me to take it day by day and eventually got me through, what I still consider to be, the most difficult time of our lives.

Finally getting home with our son I was adamant about getting back to ‘normal’ ASAP. It was time for me to start living my best mum-life and to introduce all of the stimulating activities I had dreamed of. The only challenge: All I wanted to do, and honestly the only things I could muster up the energy for, were binge-watching Netflix and comfort eating, constantly.

Still, that desire to make sure our son had access to all of the things he needed to ‘reach his milestones’ on time, made me feel so guilty that I eventually got up from the couch and started filling up our schedule. Mostly, I must say, I enjoyed getting out of the house. I got to see my friends and talk through some of the things I was bottling up inside. My little boy... he didn't enjoy it quite as much. The car seat was the first obstacle we faced on every outing: unrelenting crying from start to finish with me constantly stopping the car, getting out, and trying to settle him, just for it all to start back up again as soon as I started driving. In the classes, I noticed that he wasn’t that interested in most of the structured activities, but ended up doing his own thing for most of the class anyway. Driving back would generally look like him crying most of the way home, just to fall asleep for the last five minutes, no matter how hard I tried to sing ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ or open and close his windows! And that was that. On repeat for most days of the first year of his life: an overtired, overstimulated baby, and an overtired, resentful mum who got some relief from the thought that the ‘sacrifices’ I was making for my child would be beneficial in the long run.

the moment that changed things around

Until one day, when I finally stood still and looked at our reality. I remember trying to get him to sleep in the carrier after a jam-packed morning, with him having none of it. More than an hour later my head felt like it was about to explode, with me eventually unclipping the carrier, pulling him out way too harshly as I put him on my bed and just fell next to him crying. Both of us sobbed uncontrollably, unable to pull ourselves together until my husband eventually came home. Was this necessary? Did he need all of these structured activities to thrive? What about the impact this had on my ability to enjoy motherhood, and to parent from a place of presence, rather than rushing from one thing, to the next nap, to the next thing?

In a desperate 2 a.m. Google search, I stumbled across the importance of independent play. Up until now, I was under the impression that I needed to actively create activities and play dates that would encourage growth in my child, but what I started noticing was that over-scheduling our lives was robbing my child of the opportunity to grow his play muscles: a skill that is crucial in building imagination and creativity, and something that many children growing up today is robbed of completely.

According to Peter Gray, a renowned expert in the field of child development and play, the decline of play in today's children is a matter of serious concern. As he puts it, "Play is not just a fun pastime; it's an essential component of a child's emotional and psychological well-being." In an age where screens and structured activities often dominate a child's day, the lack of free, unstructured playtime can lead to increased anxiety and depression. It's through unstructured play that children learn to navigate social interactions, develop problem-solving skills, and build resilience.

My mission changed. Instead of planning an adult-led activity for every day of the week, I looked at the one activity we both enjoyed the most and kept only this. Next, I focused on encouraging independent play at home, rather than taking on the responsibility of entertaining my child all day. The result: two boys (his brother had arrived by this point) who play without my involvement for stretches of 30 minutes to two hours every single day, and a mum who can get things done. I want this for you and your child(ren) too, and that is why I am sharing the ten things that helped us most in getting to where we are today. If you’re longing to encourage more independent play in your children so that they can do what they need to do (Play) and you can do what you need to do (Sit down and read that book? Start working on a passion project? Start your own business? Or simply making dinner without the constant interruptions?), keep reading...

my ten best tips for encouraging independent play in your children

1. Caretaking Moments: Your children don’t need you to be present and connected to them 24/7. As you know, it simply isn’t possible to be fully engaged in any task for the whole day - and trying to do this will lead to being physically in the room, but mentally checked out. So, first things first: they don’t need your attention all day. They do need full attention from you or a dedicated caretaker during caretaking moments – think: when they’re eating, using the toilet/ during diaper changes, and for bath and bedtime. These short bursts are great opportunities to fill their connection cups, be fully engaged, and help them know that they are your priority. It’s also helpful that these tasks can mostly be completed quite quickly, which helps to avoid the temptation of reaching for your phone, or going into auto-pilot as you have a clear end in sight where you will be able to get back to doing the things you need to do.

2. A daily dose (10 minutes) of YOU

In addition to the caretaking moments, find TEN more minutes every day where you can connect with your child without any distractions. Engage in an activity they love or simply have a heart-to-heart chat. This special connection time can make them feel safe and ready to dive into playing without you.

3. Create a YES Space: Designate a "YES space" in your home where your child can explore freely and safely. Make sure this space only contains things that you are comfortable with for your child to play without adult supervision. This might be a sectioned-off space in a bigger room for babies and toddlers to ensure they don’t have access to some of the play items that are designed for older kids. (Trust me, 30 minutes of them playing independently is not worth the hours it’s going to take for you to clean marker pens all over your furniture!)

4. Start Small: Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is independent play! If your child is new to the concept, start with small increments of solo playtime (I’m talking 3 minutes as you go to the toilet by yourself.) It’s very unlikely that they’re simply going to accept the new way of doing things without any pushback. So, expect this, especially if you’ve always been available – and make sure to have a plan of action when they do inevitably get upset. Speak to your child(ren) about why you want to change the way you’re doing things, and what that is going to look like by giving them as much detail as you can.

5. Play Invitations: A great way to set the stage for independent play is by invitingly arranging toys and materials. Think about setting up a simple activity at night so that this is ready for them first thing in the morning. This way, you get to start the day off by being able to focus on the things you need to do to get everyone moving, and your child has something exciting to keep them entertained for a couple of minutes until their breakfast is ready. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to make these activities elaborate. Simply combine two or three toys in a way that they’re not used to (e.g., Magna Tiles with marbles and a couple of toy cars on a tray). Try to avoid the temptation of getting involved or overly encouraging them to play as this might just put them off. Simply sit back, with no expectations, trusting your child’s natural curiosity and desire to explore to kick in eventually. This might not be on the first try, and initially, it might only last for five minutes! This doesn’t mean that your child will never embrace playing independently, it simply means that they’re still learning and need you to keep making space and time for this.

6. Toy Rotation: A playroom or bedroom filled with all of their toys and activities sounds like a space that would encourage play but in reality, this often leads to them feeling overwhelmed and constantly distracted. By regularly swapping out toys, and intentionally decluttering you give your child the best chance to sink into a deep state of play and allowing their imagination to thrive.

7. Don't Interrupt the Flow: Once your child is playing independently, avoid unnecessary interruptions. If they are in flow, ask yourself if the reason you want to interrupt them is really important. Can it wait a couple of minutes? If it’s simply your desire to get involved because you feel guilty that you’ve not spent much time with them all day, pause. I won’t ever tell you not to connect with your child if this is what you feel is needed, but often our best intentions of getting involved will stop the play in its tracks as they lose their flow and end up asking you for a snack, or when daddy’s coming home, or to watch a show on TV…

8. Location Matters: Consider where independent play takes place. While it might be convenient to have a playroom upstairs, having a designated area in a common living space can make your child feel more connected to the family. Young children especially feel much more comfortable when they know you are close by, so try to be creative in setting up a play space that can work with your home decor (hello, IKEA Trofast unit!)

9. Limit Screen Time: I’ll probably never be a big advocate for zero screen time, but I do see the benefit in limiting our screen time, as a family. It’s not so much the well-documented negatives that come with too much screen time, but rather the things you miss out on because of screens taking up all of your downtime. Intentionally making space for your children to play without your involvement, and without the option of just defaulting to a screen will give them the gift of boredom: the birthplace of creativity.

10. Simplify Your Life: Your child’s independent play can only blossom if you make time for it. Over-scheduling extra-curricular activities that are adult-led will make this very hard so I invite you to, like me, look at your current commitments and see what things you can remove to create intentional blocks of time for play.

In a Nutshell

Prioritising independent play is important. For your children: to foster their creativity and imagination. And for you: to get to do some of the things you need to do manage your home and life so that you don’t have to squeeze everything into the hours of 7:30 -10 pm, leaving you exhausted and perhaps even resentful.

Cheers to raising independent, confident, and imaginative kids – while at the same time also getting things done!

If you find parenting difficult at the moment, I can help. I’m a certified parent coach and I help parents find joy and meaning in everyday parenting moments through simple mindset shifts and strategies that are tailored to your unique situation. To find out more, click here.

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All my best,