RAISING A RESILIENT GENERATION

I just finished rereading ‘The Coddling of the American Mind - How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure' (by Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff) and I might need to jump in for a third time. Not because the book is overcomplicated, but rather because it’s jam-packed with so many mindset shifts, countercultural ideas, and simple actionable strategies to help our children grow up less anxious and more resilient.

Safetyism: The Good Intentions Pitfall

The main focus is around ‘safetyism’ - the idea that safety, both emotional and physical, has become our top priority as parents. This makes sense of course, as we have all been drenched in worst-case scenarios through modern media. The truth is that in most of the world, our kids are actually growing up in the safest time in history! (Go on, google it.)

By overprotecting, we might be keeping our children from learning how to navigate the real world when they eventually leave our homes. It's like what happened to the peanut allergy epidemic - where schools and parents began to ban peanuts and peanut products to prevent potential allergic reactions. While well-intentioned, many argue that this may have contributed to the rise in peanut allergies with the reasoning behind their argument being that by reducing exposure to peanuts, children's immune systems didn't have the chance to build up tolerance. This example serves as a cautionary tale about the unintended consequences of overprotecting children, illustrating how our well-intentioned actions can sometimes do more harm than good.

The Three Great Untruths

Haidt and Lukianoff pinpoint three great untruths that are resulting in our children growing up more anxious and less resilient than ever before:

1. The Untruth of Fragility: This one tells us that our children are super fragile, so we must protect them from anything uncomfortable. It's like wrapping them in emotional bubble wrap! But in reality, kids are more resilient than we often give them credit for. Shielding them from every discomfort can actually hinder their ability to cope with adversity. When they encounter challenges, they have the opportunity to learn, grow, and become more resilient individuals.

2. The Untruth of Emotional Reasoning:

This untruth suggests that our feelings are always right and should guide our actions. But, let's be honest, emotions can sometimes lead us astray. Teaching our kids that feelings are important but not always accurate is a crucial life lesson. It’s good here for us to remember how our feelings are actually formed: our thoughts determine our beliefs about a situation, and our beliefs determine our feelings and behaviour. If we notice that their thoughts are unhelpful or distorted, this is a great opportunity to help them see a different perspective – which could lead to them changing the way they think about the situation and result in them feeling differently altogether. This is why the same thing could be happening to two people, but because they both see it differently, they will have different feelings linked to it, and ultimately act differently. A simple example could be the different responses to rain: One person might see rain as a blessing, and because of their positive feelings linked to it they might add special rainy-day activities like drinking hot chocolate or watching one of their favourite movies. Another person might see rain as an inconvenience, and through this lens get overly frustrated when their shoes get muddy or their hair gets wet – allowing this to ruin their whole day.

3. The Untruth of Us Versus Them: This one makes us believe that life is a battle between good people and bad people, fostering division and intolerance. We're all familiar with the "cancel culture" and the tendency to label those who disagree with us as "the enemy." This mindset can hinder our children's ability to engage in constructive dialogue and embrace diversity of thought. Instead, let's teach our kids to approach disagreements with an open mind, empathy, and a willingness to find common ground.

Parenting Strategies

1. Boost Resilience: Instead of saving our kids from all struggles, let's encourage them to face age-appropriate challenges and grow from them. Failure is part of the journey! Every month ask yourself: ‘What things can my child do this month that they couldn’t do before?’ For e.g., can they start making their own breakfasts, packing their own lunch boxes, or walking a couple of houses down the street to their friend’s house on their own? (I see so many of you cringing at this last one – I hear you, and you’ll know when the time is right for your child. Remember: safest time in history!)

2. Nurture Empathy: Instead of an "Us Versus Them" mentality, let's teach our kids to walk in others' shoes and embrace differences. Engage in activities that promote empathy, like volunteering as a family or reading diverse books.

3. Screen Time Balance: Screen addiction can reinforce untruths and echo chambers. It’s also a very real part of our children’s lives and depriving them of it completely is an unrealistic and, in my opinion, unnecessary goal. What we do need to ask ourselves is: ‘What is my child missing out on when they are in front of the screen all day? How can I limit their screen intake to make space for some of the other things that are important for their growth and development?' For example, how much time do they have for free play? Many of you reading this will remember your own childhood fondly as most of us had a lot of freedom to play with our neighbourhood friends, unsupervised, until the streetlights came on. Research on play has increased rapidly in the last thirty years, and there is a growing body of scholarship linking play deprivation to later anxiety and depression. Playing independently should not be the thing we fit in if there’s time after all of their other scheduled activities, but rather an intentional part of their everyday lives.

4. Be a Role Model: Kids learn by watching us. Show them resilience, empathy, and critical thinking in action. Share stories of times when you've encountered differing opinions and how you handled them constructively. Ultimately, whatever values you really want your children to learn from you, make sure they see modelled and not just written on a beautifully designed wall decoration in your playroom. I invite you to get really honest here and journal about some of the expectations you may have of your children that you may not be showing them in your own life (hello, screentime boundaries.)

In a Nutshell

The key idea from this book is for us to ‘prepare the child for the road, and not the road for the child.’ This is even more important as we navigate challenges and decisions that no other generation has ever had to handle. Our well-intentioned desire to keep our children comfortable and safe is having the opposite effect, as teens and young adults are feeling more anxious than at any other point in history. Knowing the impact this could have, we can start making the changes in our mindsets to trust that allowing our children to go through difficult situations, with adequate support, strengthens them into resilient adults. If you’re honest, looking back at your life, your biggest growth didn’t happen in your comfort zone – it happened in the mistakes you made, the risks you took, and the hard times you came through.

If you find parenting difficult at the moment, I can help. I’m a certified parent coach and I help parents find joy and meaning in everyday parenting moments through simple mindset shifts and strategies that are tailored to your unique situation. To find out more, click here.

For more ideas on how to allow age-appropriate autonomy, and also to find the latest statistics on child abduction rates, (for the US only) head to www.letgrow.org.

If you enjoyed reading this blog, please click here to read more articles by The Present Parent Co.

All my best,